I can’t cook.

Sure I perfected hot pot macaroni and cheese, and heating up a can of spaghettios in college, but I did not inherit my mom and grandma’s love and knowledge of cooking. When I had my first kitchen in college, and then my first apartment after, I lived on frozen burgers (the pink slime stuff, yuck!) cooked on a George Foreman grill, microwaved hot dogs, instant mashed potatoes (which I do still love) and pasta. I lived for a year on frozen dinners by Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine. I wanted to make corn muffins one time, but found out my oven was broken, so I figured I’d cook them in the toaster oven. FYI, that does not work. One time I accidentally bought filet mignon at Wegmans for $27, and panicked because I knew if I tried to cook it I’d ruin it – so I took it to my mom to cook for me.

I’ve had my mom and my friend Adrienne show me how to cook chicken in a pan, but leave me on my own to do it, and I can’t. I am so paranoid about meats being under cooked that I over cook everything. I don’t know what temp to cook things on, so I’ll burn the outside but the inside will be raw.

But the last few years I’ve collected quite a few recipes on Pinterest, things I think I can handle, and I have been successful! I’ve perfected cooking chicken breasts in the oven, since I am (still) incapable of cooking chicken in a pan. But I have no skills, so when a recipe says there is 10 minutes of prep time, I’m easily taking 30 minutes. How on earth do you peel an onion quickly? I watch the Food Network, and it’s *wham bam zip smash voila* peeled onion. I stand there, my nails digging into the onion, trying to break the skin away a little bit at a time. 5 minutes later, my oil is burning and my onion still isn’t chopped and ready to be added to the pan. Because besides the onions being impossible to peel, I can’t manage my time properly, so I’ll still be chopping something when it’s more than ready to be added to the pan. And stir-fry is out of the question because I have no idea when to add each item so that it’s cooked properly. Oh well. I’m light years ahead of where I used to be.

For 12 years I’ve worked overnights, but since I’ve been on “special assignment” since December, and working in the afternoon I’ve discovered crock-pot cooking. I found a bunch of interesting recipes on Pinterest that I could turn on before leaving for work, and when I got home at midnight, I’d have dinner ready. And most of them are pretty easy – dump things into the pot, and turn on for 8 hours. I can handle that! When pinning things the other day I came across a Bloody Mary crock-pot chicken recipe. Basically it was chicken and a bloody mary mix cooked for 8 hours. I had been looking for something to do with the Burning Asphalt mix that is too thick to drink, so I figured why not try it. I altered it a bit though. And now that I tasted it I’d do a few things different.

(food photographer, I am not.)

Basically you combine chicken, chopped onion, garlic, and bloody mary mix in the crock-pot and cook. Add in rice or quinoa at the end. Done. It tastes pretty good! However next time I think the onions should be softened a bit in a pan with oil before adding to the crock-pot for the rest of the cooking – they are still a bit crunchy. I also think it could benefit from a can of diced tomatoes.

(cooked and shredded)

I used the Burning Asphalt mix that was already open, I had about a half a bottle left. So to make sure the chicken was fully covered by liquid I added some chicken broth I had in the fridge, and about a cup of water. If you had enough mix to cover the chicken, you wouldn’t need to add much more liquid. If I add diced tomatoes next time, it will need even less additional liquid.

(yeah, it doesn’t look great, but it tastes good!)

So here it is, my very first, very imprecise recipe!

Bloody Mary Crock-pot Chicken
Prep time: No idea, but it’s not too much
Cook time: 7-8 hours
Servings: um…4?

Ingredients
2 chicken breasts
1 small/medium onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
Bloody Mary mix of your choice*
1 can diced tomatoes
Chicken broth or water if needed
Rice, quinoa, or other “filler” of your choice

Cook the chopped onion and garlic with some olive oil in a pan until softened. Combine the chicken breasts, chopped onion, diced tomatoes and bloody mary mix in the crock-pot. If needed add additional broth or water to ensure the chicken is fully covered by liquid. Cook on low for 7-8 hours. Once the chicken is cooked, or nearly cooked, cook your rice or quinoa on the stove following package instructions using as much liquid as you can from the crock-pot. Shred the cooked chicken in the crock-pot and stir in cooked rice/quinoa. Serve.

*The taste will be based on the mix you use, so use something you like.